


In Heaven...

by Space_Rock_Enby



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, David Lynch References, F/F, Nightmares, POV Second Person, Pearl has depression, Post-Steven Universe Future, Surreal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_Rock_Enby/pseuds/Space_Rock_Enby
Summary: Something heavy is weighing on Pearl, sparked from watching a strange movie with Greg. Garnet and Amethyst can't seem to reach her. Her only way out of this nightmare is through it.
Relationships: Amethyst/Pearl (Steven Universe), Garnet & Pearl (Steven Universe), Pearl & Greg Universe, Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	In Heaven...

~~Rose~~ is a dead pixel.

She’s a spot devoid of color on you. A void that’s always there. It never obscures the whole of yourself, but it’s always there. Always drawing your attention. You build a world as bright and distracting as you can around it, but the moment your concentration slips you see it again.

There’s that darkness again. See it? Just a dot. Just a dot, but it’s there forever.

With Steven gone, and Greg moving in you decided to make the best of it and offer up a housewarming party of sorts. If the entrance to the temple wasn’t located inside the beach house, you probably wouldn’t have any reason to go into it at all anymore. Of course, you had an ulterior motive, don’t you always? Greg had suffered a loss like you. It was a bond you shared, maybe the only real bond that you shared with anyone. Now that you could stomach being in the same room as him with nothing else to distract you, no van repairs to talk over, no world bending crisis, no pleading child aching to see you two make peace… (aching to the point he was destroying himself inside, but couldn’t or wouldn’t see that, at least until it was almost too late.)

(You taught him that you know. How to hold it all in until it came spilling out. Hurting everyone around you. That was your groundwork on display back then.)

You watched the way Greg’s body language was now so much more relaxed around you. How has he recovered so completely? Does he still have his dark nights of doubt? Nights where the useless tears won’t stop coming no matter how much you try and hide them from yourself? A few years ago, you would pass it off as him just being a vapid oaf, but you know better now. He’s a better person than you. A better lover, a kinder being, more caring, and careful than you are on your best days.

As the small gathering in the house winds down you keep meaning to get him alone, to finally just ask. All your observations have told you nothing, which either means he’s better at recovery than you or he’s a better liar. Either is a valuable bit of information to understand. You spend the evening in Steven’s Greg’s room, talking over the recent events, and how it all feels, how things keep changing. You never get around to asking him how he's feeling about her these days, you can’t make the words emerge. They sit in your throat, weighty, and dry.

Eventually, you run out of things to say to each other.

He weakly asks you if you’d like to watch a movie, something, anything to fill the void in the conversation. Normally you would just excuse yourself and go find a project to do but you decided to stay. This…this human is a puzzle. He’s had such an impact on your life. He’s bested you at every turn. You must know how it’s done.

Sure, you say, taking a little bit of delight in his surprise. He gestures towards the pile of tapes, indicating for you to choose one. You pick one at random. It doesn’t matter. Earth entertainment doesn’t do much for you and that’s not the reason you’re here anyway. You hold up the tape and he shows an odd expression on his face. Did you already bungle this whole thing?

“Eh, are sure about that one? It’s pretty weird.”

“Everything humans make is weird,” you reply, putting a lilt into your voice like you are sharing a knowing joke.

You don’t really pay attention to the film at first. It’s monochrome and oddly noisy. You watch out of the corner of your eye as Greg dozes off with the first ten minutes. You turn to watch him sleep, to study him, to hear what he says while he dreams. You need to see him with his guard down completely. You need to understand. Is he haunted like you? Is anyone?

The movie keeps drawing your attention back. It’s so stark, so... strange. Despite your intentions, it draws you in. The narrative hits close to your gem, the main character, a put-upon quiet human, finds themselves forced to take care of an alien child when their partner departs after giving birth. The world was crushing and dark. There was a horrible logic at play that felt like the images that you see the few times you’ve tried sleeping. Steven told you they were nightmares.

The images on the television are a nightmare.

The images mirror parts of your life.

A nightmare.

There was a song in the film. Sung by a strange being who lives in a primitive heating device. It stays with you as you the tape ends, you quietly turn off the television and leave Greg to his slumber.

_In Heaven_

_Everything is fine_

_In Heaven_

_Everything is fine_

_In Heaven_

_Everything is fine_

_You got your good things_

_And I've got mine_

You sing it softly yourself as you exit the beach house out onto the moonlit sand. The song disturbs you, makes you a little sad, it exacerbates your already off mood, but you keep doing it. You’re digging at a wound to feel it.

///

Garnet is here. In some sense, you always feel she’s near. Her future vision can follow you. It traces your potential (or lack thereof.) At some point her aloofness became distance. Things have been better lately, but they hang in uncertainty. You can pretend that you just happened to bump into her on the boardwalk in the middle of the night during a point where your mind is heavy with thoughts. You can pretend, but Garnet obliterates the need to pretend. Garnet obliterates your agency just by existing. 

“Pearl,” she simply says. Is she looking at you? Is she looking out into the sea?

“Oh hi, Garnet,” I don’t expect to see you here.

“Pearl. It seems like we haven’t talked in a while.”

What do you even say? Why even say it? She knows what you’re going to say before you say it.

“I don’t know what you’re going to say before you say it,” she pauses and adjusts her shades, “well, I did that time but after the sentence, I won’t. I just want to know if you need to talk or anything.”

“U-uh…” you stammer, what to say. How do you talk about this darkness hanging on you? How do you talk about the choking fire in your throat?

How do you talk about the Dead Pixel?

This should all be behind you now. You worked so hard to move on. To be back in this place, it’s pathetic. Shameful.

With a flick of her fingers, Garnet’s shades glitter away leaving her three eyes gazing at you. You can’t meet her gaze. You’re certain she’s exasperated with you. The poor fragile Pearl who can never seem to repair herself. You never grow. You never get better for long.

“Dark and troubling things seem to keep creeping up on me,” you say more to the ocean than to her.

“Healing isn’t linear,” she says, “and it doesn’t have to be done alone.”

“Garnet… what’s the furthest into the future you’ve seen...um… for me?”

“The further you look into the future the fuzzier and more inaccurate the visions become.”

“I know, but could you tell me anyway?”

She sighs and weighs up the potentialities of saying anything. Finally, she leans in close to you. At one point in your (very recent) life, you would have become giddy at this closeness and attention. You would have rolled the memories of it over and over amongst the vast waterfalls of your room. 

Not anymore.

“At one time when I was learning how to use my future vision, I would look and see how far out I could go. I would let the possibilities ebb and flow and spill ahead and no matter how unsure, how unclear the paths were I just chose one and followed it as far as I could.”

There was only the sound of the tide for what seemed like minutes at a time.

“I saw a dark place almost devoid of starlight. What did exist was dull and red. The ground was cracked, cold, and dead. The ocean was flat and lifeless for there was no longer a moon in the sky. There were no clouds, there was no moisture in the air. Everything was ancient. I saw a beach. It glittered, not with sand but with broken shattered gems. There was a hill made of smooth stone and on top of that was a throne. It was beautiful. A cold crystalline throne, it smelled like lilacs. A figure sat on that throne. An ancient being whose body of light was woven into the radiance of that spot. She was tall and thin. She wore a crown of diamonds. Centered in her forehead was a gem. She was the last being on the planet. The last in the galaxy. She was cold. She was alone.”

You gasp, “Th-that was me?”

Garnet shrugs, “It’s so far out, so impossible to know for sure, there’s no point in really concerning ourselves about it. I probably shouldn’t have even told you.”

But you did, you think to yourself, and you probably did for a reason.

“The point is, it's only a possibility. You control your destiny,” she says trying to hide the worry in her eyes.

“You’re wrong, “you say.

Garnet’s head cocks to the side just a little bit. She’s not used to being told she’s wrong and she’s definitely not used to hearing it from you.

“About the healing. Healing doesn’t have to be done alone for you, you’re never alone. I am afraid that is never going to be the case for me. Maybe I do control my destiny, but it’s always going to be done alone. You got your good things… and I've got mine.”

///

Stars.

It’s a common exclamation among gems and a few humans. It’s been part of gem culture as long as she can remember. They say diamonds are born in the heart of stars. Like all things before Era 3 even the tiniest expression was devoted to the Authority. That is all being dismantled or more accurately it’s all crumbling away. Earth is a place of infinite change, but it is also a place that bleeds out endings and dissolves everything it touches. There is the inescapable fact of change, but the truth is not everything that changes grows, most things dwindle and die.

Even stars.

Maybe that’s where you need to be.

You’ve found a dark spot at the far end of the beach. It’s sheltered from the light pollution of Beach City. The darkness of the sky brings out the stars in their brilliant coldness. This spot was free of traffic at least up until a few minutes ago when a gaggle of Quartzes wandered into the area. You want to shake this heaviness off. Your rational side tells you to go over and say hello. You recognize a couple of them from the raucous volleyball games. The thought of engaging them just feels like too much. It’s hard to tell if they are looking over at you with their mops of unruly hair covering their eyes, but their body language tells you they are. Their loud voices and emotive talking with their hands have died down. They are on guard.

They are scared of you.

They are scared of a pearl.

Years ago, you would have relished the idea now it just adds more weight to your thoughts. What have you become? Did ~~Rose Quartz~~ forge you into this or was this all inside to begin with. Worse yet, will there ever be any way to know? Will there ever be any clarity?

There’s that dark spot again, you can’t escape. You want to actually flee to it.

“There you are. Garnet said you’d be moping around here… well, yesterday she said you’d be doing it today... er, you know something like that.”

The “runt” stands there, hands on her hips. She’s matured, grown up so much, but she still retains that inner defiance. The slight glow of the ocean glimmers across the purple of her skin. Her eyes sparkle with so much life.

“Amethyst, I… “you trail off. What to say? What is there to say?

She sits down in the sand next to you. The quartzes see something is happening with the upper management and decide to leave all at once. You’d like to be relieved but the concern in Amethyst’s eyes won’t let you relax.

She leans in closer, “When you shapeshift, do alter your senses too? Like if I make a bird, I just make the shape of a bird. I used to try and go all out and do the whole thing. Sharp vision, hollow bones, everything. I thought it was important, but like, I think maybe I was too good at it? I’d turn into a bird but then turning back was hard because I was starting to think more like a bird? I’d forget I was a gem for a bit.”

She pauses for a moment, looking at you for a reaction?

“It’s funny, we could look like anything, but we always look like we do with only slight changes. Why is that? Do we decide the shape of our bodies or does it tell us how to think?”

 ~~Rose~~ altered her form completely, twice. Each time the person she was changed, somehow yet the core remained. Is that what Amethyst was getting at? Is she talking about ~~Rose~~?

“How do you do it?” you ask.

“What shapeshift? Oh, you know... You just do it, like flexing a muscle,” she raises her arms to pose for emphasis.

“No… how do you keep getting better?”

“Better? I just figured out how to handle the rough spots a little more. I watched you do it too.”

“I’m just the brittle mess I always was. Pining for a love I thought I was over. I don’t get better.”

“You do though, it’s just, eh, hard to see right now because you’re in it.”

Her words don’t mean a thing.

“You have to want it though. Do you want it?”

You have a hard time focusing. The thoughts that have been plaguing you tumble around in your head. You dig your fingers into the sand, feeling each individual grain, feeling the radiant heat, feeling-

Dead blank space.

You pull your hands from the beach, rivulets of sand trickle down your fingers. The form a shape, sharp, curved, impossibly stretched as sand collects and pours in ways unnaturally held by your will. It is what you envision lurks in the heart of a star. The final form is indescribable, it buzzes in the dark. You quickly collapse before Amethyst can see it.

“I want to go to space. I want to project myself in a single stream of photons out into the cosmos. I want to consciously manifest myself as a field of particles so dispersed that I no longer am capable of coherent thought… no longer capable of coherent suffering. Just be adrift and finally at peace with myself. I want this dead pixel out of mind. In heaven everything is fine.”

There was a time where she would have just laughed in your face, she doesn’t now. She takes your hand in both of hers. Her skin is warmer than yours. You have always been cool to the touch you’ve been told. Not like ice, not like Sapphire, but cool, like a pool of water in the shade on a spring day.

 ~~Rose~~ told you that.

“P, I’m gonna just hang with you a bit. Let’s get out of here and go do something. Oh, there’s a dance at the warehouse. We’re doing that.”

You feign protest but you let her take your hand as she leads you out of the dark spot and into the faint moonlight of the night. Beach City is lit up, but it’s nearly silent like it’s waiting for something. It rests in a trance, much like you.

There is a faint pressure in your gem like gravity is tugging on it. Pulling out your light. Before your thoughts can lock onto this notion, Amethyst tugs on your hand pulling you across the sand. She can sense you losing yourself again. She’s gotten so perceptive over the years. She really is the best of us.

///

You feel the bass long before you set eyes on the warehouse. The sounds ripple across the air and through your body of light. You imagine you can almost see a visible distortion from the interaction. Maybe you can. The swirling lights of the party grow brighter but their motion fails to illuminate anything instead pulsing to obscure and emphasize everything around you so strangely.

Usually when you hear the music coming out of here all the way at the beach house it is quick, often frantic. This time as you approach the sound is thick and slow. The sound oozes out of the building in heavy waves. Something in it pushes and pulls on you and you realize you are swaying in time to the beat. You let Amethyst guide you into the interior of the warehouse. She moves to the beat with a surety and confidence that draws your attention closer. You’ve fallen out and in with each other so many times. What even are you now? Friends? There has always been something more intense just under the surface, but things have been so hectic the last few years it’s been obfuscated.

 ~~Rose~~ Steven's return. Spinel. Event after event threw your lives into chaos and now things were starting to calm down.

What would you see? What will you see?

“Hey, P. You’re supposed to dance. Not stare at me,” she says while leaning close. Mouth near yours. Warmth near you.

Stop. Just stop.

You force yourself to look past her to crowd around you. There is a mixture of gems and humans. Both groups have displayed curiosity about one another and in the half of light of this place they have found a place to move in closer, to tease, to explore. To discover what ~~Rose~~ figured out thousands of years ago. The undulating mass of bodies flows around you. Bumping gently, Pushing you closer towards Amethyst. Her mouth breaks out into a sly grin, something you haven’t been on the receiving end of for what seems like years. She says something but it’s swallowed up in the bass of the music. You’re not sure if you gave the right response or the wrong one when she grabs your hips and pulls you into her. The warmth her body shocks even in the heat of this mass of humans.

Her eyes close and you find yourself moving in time with her. The smile never leaves her face. You missed this closeness. You forgot it ever existed. How could you do that to yourself? How could you do that to her? You feel yourself drifting. You could almost let go and spill into her, mix with her until Opal emerges. You want to…

The pressure erupts in your gem, a spike driven from the inside. You don’t realize you're screaming until you're on the floor, prone, gripping your head. The occupants of the room are moving away from you in fright. Amethyst is leaning over you. You can’t make out what she’s saying there is the only the terrible gravity pulling at you tearing away the photons yourself streaming, falling away there is only-

Darkness.

There is only blackness. No voices. No music. No Amethyst.

There is a single light. A spotlight on a figure at the far end of the room.

She is tall, curvy, somehow glimmering with darkness. You can’t focus on her. She is a cascade of holographic blacklight. It’s Pink Diamond. It’s you. It’s Amethyst. It’s you. It’s Bismuth. It’s Volley. It’s you. It’s you. It’s you. It’s you. It’s her. It’s nothing you understand anymore. It is the Dead Pixel in your heart.

///

“Your entire life you made holograms of yourself, you fought against them and never with them. That’s telling isn’t it?”

“Shut up.”

“You’ve been killing yourself over and over and over again and it’s never enough.”

“I said shut up.”

“No one on the battlefield could manage to end you, and if you know if you want something right you have to do it yourself. You kept failing that too though.”

You rise shakily to your feet. The music around is distant and dense. The bass has become a single wavering note like the tone inside every living gem. The warehouse is somehow dark and empty, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is the Dead Pixel.

“All those people helping you, propping you up, fixing all the messes you make trying to pull yourself apart. They’ve been just wasting so much time.”

_“Healing isn’t linear,” Garnet says, “and it doesn’t have to be done alone.”_

You face the Dead Pixel. You look into it without averting your gaze for a moment.

_“You have to want it though. Do you want it?” Amethyst whispers._

You look into the blacklight of the Dead Pixel.

It’s not Rose.

It’s you.

You see it for the Dead Pixel for what it is. A blank spot. A spot if left to fester will grow until billions of years from now it is you, an ancient lonesome thing.

The Dead Pixel is a blank spot that you can fill.

That you can fill with your own light.

You step forward. Your body shakes.

You step forward. Your body shakes.

I’m a Pearl and we are enough.

I’m a Pearl and we are enough.

I’m going to love you.

I’m going to let you love me.

You embrace.

In heaven everything is fine.

You’ve got your good things.

And I’ve got mine.

///

You open your eyes to an explosion of pinks, purples, oranges. The sky is a riot of color in the dawning light. You feel the grit of sand beneath your hand. You feel the warmth of Amethyst as your head rests on her lap. Garnet and Greg are here. They lean in closer as you stir. There is so much concern on their faces, you want to cry.

“Hey, P. You okay?” Amethyst asks in a hushed tone, trying not to sound too scared, “you just collapsed at the dance and you’ve been out for hours. You kept singing this weird song about heaven.” 

She leans in closer so the others can’t hear, “Up at the warehouse, was I... uh, too much?”

“Not at all,” you stroke the side of her face without thinking, a deep violet blush rises in her cheek. You missed that so much.

“I had the strangest dream. You were all there... I... I feel better now. A lot better. I don’t think I would be here and happy without all of you in my life. I’m sorry if I scared you. Truth is I scared myself.”

Everyone sits quietly not sure what to say but not out of awkwardness, just basking in the warmth of the moment.

“I love you all very much… and I love myself too.”

“I told them not to worry about you,” Garnet smiles, “you know what you’re doing.”

You all spend the morning together as the brilliant sky turns blue and the birds sing a happy song. A great darkness has lifted off of you and you feel your inner light pouring out into the world, lighting up everyone around you with your love. 

**Author's Note:**

> So, the movie Greg and Pearl watch is David Lynch's Eraserhead, and it (along with some other Lynch motifs) echo throughout the rest of the story. I tried to write it so that even if you aren't familiar with his work the story is coherent. I hope I succeeded. I love watching Pearl work through her issues and come out stronger,


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